B.A.B.E. Week 13: Daddy ABC's

Elle and Mu were in NYC as I wrote this from the plane on my own way up to the City. We went to a great wedding and had a fun weekend and now Mu is back at work. So we decided that this week would be a good week for me to do a guest B.A.B.E. Blog. Mu has done such an impressive job on B.A.B.E., so I feel a bit of pressure here.

For my guest post, I thought it would be good to share a bit of my own parental experience, in the form of what we affectionately call my ABC’s – “Always be calm, always be cleaning, always be cooking”. I started with this idea back in Nashville when we were nascent parents, like maybe day 4. And now I try to embody the “Daddy ABC’s” wherever I may be parenting. Some of them come easier than others, as my lovely bride can attest.

Always Be Calm

This is the first, and by far, the most important dad ABC. So much of parenthood is stressful, starting with the inherent uncertainty of doing something for the first time. Then there is the love and care we seek to give our little baby girl. Being so little, she is totally dependent on our care and actions and wisdom. We know that we will not always get it right, but we have to come damn close. Thus far we have found that there is a motherhood biology that makes Mu more reactive to elle’s distress. If elle is upset, it creates extreme mental and physical distress for Mu. Also, as she has written about here, there is a significant increase in the anxiety Mu feels overall which is directly tied to motherhood.

These are natural and biologic. I too can upset and exhausted when elle is upset, but it is just different. So what we have found is that the dad plays a VERY important role in remaining, and injecting, calm into situations that are fraught with tension. This is extremely important, and in theory deflates some of the tension and anxiety. Does it work every time? Of course not. But it works most of the time and that is a huge contribution from daddy.

Always Be Cleaning

Now on to some more mundane roles – the first is cleaning. On thing about caring for a baby is that you have much less capacity to clean up through the transition from one activity to another. Some of this is a math issue, less hands. Some of it is prioritization, who care about a mess left behind when you are taking care of your little baby girl? Not me!

Since Mu has been doing more of the childcare with me at work, I think my role in this area is to pick up the mess that is left behind from childcare. And perhaps most importantly, to do that cleaning up without judgment. That last part is the hardest one, because as a millennial couple we took an equalitarian approach to cleaning. You make it, you fix it. But that just doesn’t apply to a household with a baby. Dad has to do more.

Always Be Cooking

This one stems more from our time in Tennessee, when neither of us were working. Since I love cooking, it was a nice daddy duty. And we ate well that month. If we were going to have a nice meal, I was so much more likely to make it. The time allocation for cooking is similar to cleaning, and honestly after Mu got back to the Bahamas this has inverted with all the meals she has made during the day while I am work.

But it is a great dad role, especially if your baby needs to get her meals from mom. Since it is much harder for mom to do anything else, you got to step up and make some food. I feel like we have eaten really well these first 3 months of elle’s life, lots of fresh and delicious meals. We shall see if that can continue once elle is eating more than breast milk.

Always Be Connecting (Devices)

This one is related to the prior 2 ABC’s. When you are focused on childcare, the mundane task of connecting a device to its charger seems pretty trivial. But then all of the devices are perpetually out of juice. An ipad or laptop or phone is a pretty stupendous piece of technology. But without power, it is a fragile, useless mass. Not a great combo. So it is my job to go around plugging in our many electronic devices and keeping the digital train going.

Lastly, this one might only apply to the Korol household –

Always Be Closing (Doors)

Sometimes it seems like Mu is constitutionally unable to close a door behind her. Who cares - she is great in pretty much every other regard.

Would also be remiss if I didn’t include the one related mantra that applies to Mu. It is not an ABC, rather ABS.

Always be Spending

Baby’s need a ton of stuff. Parents need a ton of stuff to take care of the baby. There are literally billions of dollars of baby things for sale on the internet. So I get it, your spending rate is going to go up with a baby. And it sure has! Seemingly everyday I come home and my lovely wife tells me either a) what we need to get or b) what we got online that day. Since all of the purchases are routed through my work I get a package most everyday (two today in fact!). These tools have been enormously successful in caring for elle and she has great taste. It kind of feels like the piranha approach, no single purchase is that large but in totality it is a lot.

But that is why we work – taking caring of elle is our first priority. Whatever that costs is worth it.