B.A.B.E. Week 24: Co-parenting tips

So it seems like there have been some “big” moves for Elle developmentally this week (in addition to driving our car).  If we place her hands in front of her, she can sit up unsupported for more than a couple of seconds.  (Pic below but I didn’t quite capture the whole event and so it is mostly of her face in her cute hat…).  She is also rolling back to tummy, which is very exciting since she normally does anything to AVOID being on her tummy.  So it is neat to see her make the decision to get there.  Finally, one more new development this week is what Wilson likes to call “fetch”.  Basically, she is experimenting with gravity and her parents ‘readiness to fetch anything she drops. She is going out of her way to drop things to the ground.  I am sure this “game” will continue for long time.

Speaking of things ending--this is my last blog post for a time focused on co-parenting.  Previously, I wrote about co-parenting in the context of societal expectations[http://livingthekoroldream.blogspot.com/2015/10/babe-week-22-is-co-parenting-fact-or.html] and frustrations [http://livingthekoroldream.blogspot.com/2015/10/babe-week-23-is-co-parenting-fact-or.html] and this last one is about tips to get to a more equal footing with co-parenting.  One caveat that I want to apologize for is my gender focus—it probably seems like I have been writing more about about the mom’s outsized role compared to the dad’s.  I didn’t mean it that way—I meant that either the mom or the dad could be carrying the outsized role or if it is a family with two moms or two dads--one of the moms or dads taking an outsized role. I just have often used “mom” as shorthand for primary parent.  So apologizes for inadvertently contributing to gender or hetero stereotyping and biases.

In any case, here are the tips that I have culled from asking around (but would love to hear any additional tips).

• Communicate, communicate, communicate

Communicate expectations, communicate preferences, communicate instructions, communicate limits (of both partners) and communicate after eating (so you aren't "hangry").

• Divide and conquer

Figure out where you both can contribute the easiest and divvy out the roles.  He has the night-time shift or she makes the baby food, etc.  Having set jobs makes it easier to relax into your own responsibilities and not try to do everything.

• Be flexible

Even as you may have set roles, be adaptable because things will change (especially for us while Elle is so young).  

• 100% is in the eye of the beholder

Realize that your co-parenting partner is probably trying to give their 100% and try to objectively view everything that the partner contributes (outside of work) to the entire household (e.g., booking trips or fixing the car) and then figure out if the additional baby expectations are reasonable.   Also, in line with the first point above, communicate how the partner can do a better job of contributing 100% to the family unit.

• Try "nonchalance" on for size

Let your partner "deal" with the issues.   Like:

• Try to zone out the crying as your co-parenting partner deals with the situation.  Your partner needs to learn how to calm your child and can't if you always swoop in.
• Letting your partner pick up the slack when you need to do something-- so just hand the child to the partner and say, I have to take a shower or I need to go on a run.
• Have your partner take the child out alone so they can understand why you always bring snacks or always check to see if the diapers are stocked in the diaper bag.   (This one might be controversial because you might have a very unhappy baby with a poopy diaper but the baby will survive and your partner will hopefully remember to check for diapers next time..).   

•  Leave the premises

Leaving the house and doing your computer work, exercising, serving, socializing, seeing a movie etc. means that you don't have to see you co-parent doing it the "wrong" way.  As long as you trust your co-parent to keep your child safe and happy in the grand scheme of things, then just take some hours completely to yourself (where you can't hear any crying). 

Elle in a pop-up tent at the restaurant..

• Outsource if possible

Hiring someone to do extra childcare or clean if your family can afford it.  There is no use in being a martyr and cleaning the toilet if you can easily get someone else to do it for you.  And although it won't entirely remove the strain, it can remove some pressure points.

B.A.B.E. Week 23: Is co-parenting fact or fiction (part 2)

Before I dig back into co-parenting, just a little update on Elle.  We have finally moved her to her own room -- probably more traumatic for us than for her.  In her own room and hanging from her crib, she has a stuffed monkey that plays music when you pull on its tail.  She has learned how to pull the monkey's tail as she falls asleep.  It is pretty adorable.  Other developmental milestones are that she is starting to wave her arms up and down with a lot of force and she is also barely starting to sit up -- holding the position for a few seconds.  

Her sleep has regressed a little and even though in the last blog post, I had promised to blog about sleep and co-parenting.  I decided that blogging about those two issues was way too ambitious  (Sleep issues deserve their own blog posts (or books)!) 

Instead, I am digging a little deeper into the co-parenting idea.  To go deeper, I surveyed some of my fellow career-oriented mamas of young children.  I asked the mamas about their tips for co-parenting as well as their biggest frustrations.  I also asked if I was framing the co-parenting issue incorrectly as a 50/50 proposition.

Their answers were beautiful and heartfelt.  First, on framing – the way of viewing the issue.  I have framed co-parenting as a split of responsibilities and duties.  Almost a quid pro quo – I do this and you do this and we tally up our hours spent.  But as my sister once reminded me about relationships, each participant in the relationship should give 100%.  Meaning that you shouldn’t withhold yourself and say – hey, I have done enough.  Giving 100% to me means living your all to have a happy and functioning family.  (I don’t actually mean that you have to be 100% focused on your children – I don’t think that is good for you and them.)

So I think that giving your all to have a happily functioning family means that all of you are happy with your needs met. That extends to other parts of life – in your career, exercise, personal growth etc.  Part of that happiness is what I am seeking, and writing about, with B.A.B.E.   Optimally I think that the needs of all the family members should be met but that those needs/desires are seen in the context of the overall family and thus each parent gives fully to the overall family. And the mamas I surveyed definitely felt like giving 100% was a better way to frame than 50/50 because they felt that both they and their partners are striving to give 100%.

 

But even though there was universal agreement about 100% family/co-parenting intent, there were still a lot of frustrations, including: 

- household chores

 It is amazing how our small people seem to increase the household workload exponentially -- laundry, dishes, clean up, internet research, stocking all the essentials such as diapers, buying the child clothes, etc. add to the household workload.  And with the household workload, there seem to be two major issues: (1) failure to notice; and (2) failure to care.   For failure to notice, a common frustration is that many partners don’t even realize the extra work that the first partner is doing (doctor appointments, cleaning breast pump parts, organizing children’s items, researching baby’s issues, etc.). 

For failure to care about household chores, there is usually one partner who cares less about the household chores--that partner doesn’t care about how clothes are folded or cleaning up messes in a timely manner.  And that partner who cares less often doesn’t fold the clothes or hangs out on the computer while the other jumps to wipe up the mess.  This difference amplifies with the increased household workload and thus, makes it seem that your partner isn’t giving 100%

- night time shift

The night time shift, especially if you are currently breastfeeding, seems to almost exclusively fall on the breastfeeding mama’s shoulders.  It seems that the night time shift responsibility almost exclusively falls on the mom's shoulders out of convenience or because mom usually has more time off with maternity leave or mom knows how to comfort the baby better or mom often has super sonic ears when her baby is concerned.  But I think that this frustration can easily shift to the non-breast feeding partner’s*** responsibilities, because if you do want to cut out night-feedings, then it is good to have the non-breast feeding partner go in and do the comforting.

- dad’s seeming nonchalance

After I wrote last week’s blog post on co-parenting, a friend of mine wrote that when her husband has busy time coming up at work, he says: "I will need to work tonight." When she has a busy time coming up, she says: "Is it ok if I work tonight?" - as my friend says, "that says it all."  I don’t think that my friend meant that her husband puts work in front of their child.  I certainly think that our partners are not actually putting anything before our children.  But there can be a nonchalance about the idea that the child will be taken care of if they don’t do it. 

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely do not think that dads are nonchalant about their children.  For example, the first night that Wilson and I put Elle in her crib, he was the one to spring up when he heard something on the baby monitor.  He basically ran to her because he felt the same separation anxiety that I felt upon having her in a different room from us.  Thus, I definitely don’t believe that dads are overall nonchalant.  I just think that the mom is often or always worrying about whether they are actually taking good enough care of their little one.

Wearing Wilson's onesie

This anxiety about care leads to both immediate short term and long-term action that can sometimes leave the other parent in the dust.  The other parent has no clue that the primary parent is researching the right toys or the right strategy for morality development, or the right summer shoes.  These types of obsession (or as Wilson can refer to them-- rabbit holes) eat up many hours whereas the other parent is blissfully unaware that you have spent 30 hours researching what the spots on your baby’s neck are or figuring out a “screen” time policy or trying to find sandals that will stay on your 18 month old’s feet that don’t cost $50.  This “nonchalance” can come from the confidence that the dad feels in the mom’s ability to “handle” it.  But sometimes moms or the primary parent really need a break from these extra tasks and work.

Finally, another “nonchalance” point that a lot of moms talked about is tolerance for fussing.  A lot of dads seem to have a much higher tolerance for crying than the moms do.  So moms usually step in and go through heroic efforts to avoid any peep coming from their loved ones.  This complicates the co-parenting dynamic and leads me to some tips that I got from moms.  Stay tuned for “Is co-parenting fact or fiction (part 3)” for the tips that I received regarding how to move the needle of co-parenting from fiction to fact.

***  I realize that my blog posts have been a bit hetero focused so I apologize for that.  I imagine that same-sex couples go through similar struggles especially if there is a breastfeeding or stay-at-home parent.

B.A.B.E. Week 22: Is co-parenting fact or fiction? (Part 1)

Chilling in the hotel room bed

Yesterday, Elle turned 5 months old.  It feels like a milestone and I imagine that every month in these first few years of life will feel like a milestone as these first years can be intense.   Right now, I think these first few years may be harder than what is to come later in your kid’s childhood because at this point, communication is not easy.  It is hard to decipher the cooing and other communicative uhs and ahs – maybe she is upset and not happy? 

Then, trying to understand the reason for the distressed cooing rather than happy cooing is even harder. And finally when Elle begins full-on wailing, the stakes are even higher to (literally) dance around trying to hit the right calming button from an ever changing toolbox - bouncing her in a particular way to release a gas bubble, or removing her from an overstimulating situation, etc.

Hitting the right calming button (and a mom's ability to often hit that calming button faster and easier) is just one of the things that has made me and Wilson wonder whether co-parenting can truly be done at the baby stage.   What do I mean by co-parenting?  Co-parenting means 50/50 split sharing in parenting.  We are both full-time  professionals so shouldn’t we both equally share parenting?  Makes sense logically, but for us it is still up for debate whether co-parenting right now is actually fact or fiction.   

Striving for truly equal co-parenting has not been easy – I am going to tackle this idea on two fronts – one, Hurricane Joaquin over the last week in the Bahamas and how that is illustrative of work demands and societal expectations; and two, sleep, sleep “training” and how that is illustrative of biological comparative advantage. 

The Hurricane

Hurricane Joaquin, as a category 4 hurricane, was the worst hurricane that The Bahamas has seen in a 100 years.  So its impacts were devastating on a lot of the other islands.   Fortunately for us and majority of the population in The Bahamas,  Joaquin veered north and out to sea before our island felt its impacts.   That said, Wilson is the hurricane point person so he worked non-stop starting Wednesday and through the weekend to manage the embassy’s preparation for the hurricane, reporting on the impacts of the storm as it occurred, and then coordinating relief organized for the islands that experienced the brunt of Joaquin.   Here's a link to some of the relief delivered on Sunday, which Wilson helped organize.  

I am really proud of Wilson’s efforts but I am about to complain a lot, so a friendly heads up.***  I have basically been single parenting since Wednesday night because of the Joaquin.  On top of that I needed to prepare us to get ready to get hit by the hurricane as well as manage my work load.  Luckily, my work was very understanding and I took Thursday and Friday off.   Still, the days were complicated by the fact that we stayed at a hotel for 3days/2 nights because Wilson was across the street at the embassy working.  

It was huge pain to prepare for the hurricane.  First, I packed up the first floor of our house in case we were flooded by the storm surge (a real risk because of the high tides from the super moon). Then, I had to pack all the baby stuff (and our stuff) to move to the hotel.  In addition, to that I packed supplies (like 5 gallons of water) in case we did get hit.  And then after the risk subsided for Nassau, I had to move us back into our house.

Wilson helped as much as he could but it was hard for him to really help out when he was working really hard -- including working 17 hours on Saturday.  This leads me to my point that I parented Elle throughout all of this, including from a hotel room with limited baby tools.  And don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful that we are safe, that I got to spend the time with Elle (seeing her laugh and play throughout the hotel and engaging happily with strangers).   

My complaining is really about how easy it is to get sucked into work responsibilities where you have no time for your family.  This can happen at so many jobs, and I know the other side from working as a corporate lawyer.  Just when that happened, we didn't have our little baby girl to care for and hence it was a whole different ball game. And I think that this work pressure is particularly applicable to men.  I feel like there is still this thought process of, well you don’t have to worry as much about your infant because your wife will take care of her.   Whereas, for women, there is an idea that mothers don’t work as hard or can’t contribute as much because they are the “primary” parent.  This issue is compounded by the fact that it is often seen as a “treat” when our husbands are bearing the load of 100% parenting for a little while.  

So even though Wilson’s work in this instance was extremely important and necessary,  I think that there are other times when our work loads  are unnecessarily heavy. So like Elle who taught herself how to blow spit bubbles from her mouth yesterday, I want to blow spit bubbles at our societal expectations that (1) cause us to work so hard; (2) expect that mothers will take up the slack; and (3) give men a medal when they do more than 50% of the parenting.    These societal expectations can make co-parenting closer to fiction than to fact.

*** I actually feel really bad about my complaining especially in light of the “agony and gratitude” blog post.  In the larger scheme of things, I can’t really justify the above “first-world problem” complaints but I am just trying to use it as an example of how true co-parenting is hard to achieve.