Before I dig back into co-parenting, just a little update on Elle. We have finally moved her to her own room -- probably more traumatic for us than for her. In her own room and hanging from her crib, she has a stuffed monkey that plays music when you pull on its tail. She has learned how to pull the monkey's tail as she falls asleep. It is pretty adorable. Other developmental milestones are that she is starting to wave her arms up and down with a lot of force and she is also barely starting to sit up -- holding the position for a few seconds.
Her sleep has regressed a little and even though in the last blog post, I had promised to blog about sleep and co-parenting. I decided that blogging about those two issues was way too ambitious (Sleep issues deserve their own blog posts (or books)!)
Instead, I am digging a little deeper into the co-parenting idea. To go deeper, I surveyed some of my fellow career-oriented mamas of young children. I asked the mamas about their tips for co-parenting as well as their biggest frustrations. I also asked if I was framing the co-parenting issue incorrectly as a 50/50 proposition.
Their answers were beautiful and heartfelt. First, on framing – the way of viewing the issue. I have framed co-parenting as a split of responsibilities and duties. Almost a quid pro quo – I do this and you do this and we tally up our hours spent. But as my sister once reminded me about relationships, each participant in the relationship should give 100%. Meaning that you shouldn’t withhold yourself and say – hey, I have done enough. Giving 100% to me means living your all to have a happy and functioning family. (I don’t actually mean that you have to be 100% focused on your children – I don’t think that is good for you and them.)
So I think that giving your all to have a happily functioning family means that all of you are happy with your needs met. That extends to other parts of life – in your career, exercise, personal growth etc. Part of that happiness is what I am seeking, and writing about, with B.A.B.E. Optimally I think that the needs of all the family members should be met but that those needs/desires are seen in the context of the overall family and thus each parent gives fully to the overall family. And the mamas I surveyed definitely felt like giving 100% was a better way to frame than 50/50 because they felt that both they and their partners are striving to give 100%.
But even though there was universal agreement about 100% family/co-parenting intent, there were still a lot of frustrations, including:
- household chores
It is amazing how our small people seem to increase the household workload exponentially -- laundry, dishes, clean up, internet research, stocking all the essentials such as diapers, buying the child clothes, etc. add to the household workload. And with the household workload, there seem to be two major issues: (1) failure to notice; and (2) failure to care. For failure to notice, a common frustration is that many partners don’t even realize the extra work that the first partner is doing (doctor appointments, cleaning breast pump parts, organizing children’s items, researching baby’s issues, etc.).
For failure to care about household chores, there is usually one partner who cares less about the household chores--that partner doesn’t care about how clothes are folded or cleaning up messes in a timely manner. And that partner who cares less often doesn’t fold the clothes or hangs out on the computer while the other jumps to wipe up the mess. This difference amplifies with the increased household workload and thus, makes it seem that your partner isn’t giving 100%
- night time shift
The night time shift, especially if you are currently breastfeeding, seems to almost exclusively fall on the breastfeeding mama’s shoulders. It seems that the night time shift responsibility almost exclusively falls on the mom's shoulders out of convenience or because mom usually has more time off with maternity leave or mom knows how to comfort the baby better or mom often has super sonic ears when her baby is concerned. But I think that this frustration can easily shift to the non-breast feeding partner’s*** responsibilities, because if you do want to cut out night-feedings, then it is good to have the non-breast feeding partner go in and do the comforting.
- dad’s seeming nonchalance
After I wrote last week’s blog post on co-parenting, a friend of mine wrote that when her husband has busy time coming up at work, he says: "I will need to work tonight." When she has a busy time coming up, she says: "Is it ok if I work tonight?" - as my friend says, "that says it all." I don’t think that my friend meant that her husband puts work in front of their child. I certainly think that our partners are not actually putting anything before our children. But there can be a nonchalance about the idea that the child will be taken care of if they don’t do it.
Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely do not think that dads are nonchalant about their children. For example, the first night that Wilson and I put Elle in her crib, he was the one to spring up when he heard something on the baby monitor. He basically ran to her because he felt the same separation anxiety that I felt upon having her in a different room from us. Thus, I definitely don’t believe that dads are overall nonchalant. I just think that the mom is often or always worrying about whether they are actually taking good enough care of their little one.
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| Wearing Wilson's onesie |
This anxiety about care leads to both immediate short term and long-term action that can sometimes leave the other parent in the dust. The other parent has no clue that the primary parent is researching the right toys or the right strategy for morality development, or the right summer shoes. These types of obsession (or as Wilson can refer to them-- rabbit holes) eat up many hours whereas the other parent is blissfully unaware that you have spent 30 hours researching what the spots on your baby’s neck are or figuring out a “screen” time policy or trying to find sandals that will stay on your 18 month old’s feet that don’t cost $50. This “nonchalance” can come from the confidence that the dad feels in the mom’s ability to “handle” it. But sometimes moms or the primary parent really need a break from these extra tasks and work.
Finally, another “nonchalance” point that a lot of moms talked about is tolerance for fussing. A lot of dads seem to have a much higher tolerance for crying than the moms do. So moms usually step in and go through heroic efforts to avoid any peep coming from their loved ones. This complicates the co-parenting dynamic and leads me to some tips that I got from moms. Stay tuned for “Is co-parenting fact or fiction (part 3)” for the tips that I received regarding how to move the needle of co-parenting from fiction to fact.
*** I realize that my blog posts have been a bit hetero focused so I apologize for that. I imagine that same-sex couples go through similar struggles especially if there is a breastfeeding or stay-at-home parent.
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