B.A.B.E. Week 24: Co-parenting tips

So it seems like there have been some “big” moves for Elle developmentally this week (in addition to driving our car).  If we place her hands in front of her, she can sit up unsupported for more than a couple of seconds.  (Pic below but I didn’t quite capture the whole event and so it is mostly of her face in her cute hat…).  She is also rolling back to tummy, which is very exciting since she normally does anything to AVOID being on her tummy.  So it is neat to see her make the decision to get there.  Finally, one more new development this week is what Wilson likes to call “fetch”.  Basically, she is experimenting with gravity and her parents ‘readiness to fetch anything she drops. She is going out of her way to drop things to the ground.  I am sure this “game” will continue for long time.

Speaking of things ending--this is my last blog post for a time focused on co-parenting.  Previously, I wrote about co-parenting in the context of societal expectations[http://livingthekoroldream.blogspot.com/2015/10/babe-week-22-is-co-parenting-fact-or.html] and frustrations [http://livingthekoroldream.blogspot.com/2015/10/babe-week-23-is-co-parenting-fact-or.html] and this last one is about tips to get to a more equal footing with co-parenting.  One caveat that I want to apologize for is my gender focus—it probably seems like I have been writing more about about the mom’s outsized role compared to the dad’s.  I didn’t mean it that way—I meant that either the mom or the dad could be carrying the outsized role or if it is a family with two moms or two dads--one of the moms or dads taking an outsized role. I just have often used “mom” as shorthand for primary parent.  So apologizes for inadvertently contributing to gender or hetero stereotyping and biases.

In any case, here are the tips that I have culled from asking around (but would love to hear any additional tips).

• Communicate, communicate, communicate

Communicate expectations, communicate preferences, communicate instructions, communicate limits (of both partners) and communicate after eating (so you aren't "hangry").

• Divide and conquer

Figure out where you both can contribute the easiest and divvy out the roles.  He has the night-time shift or she makes the baby food, etc.  Having set jobs makes it easier to relax into your own responsibilities and not try to do everything.

• Be flexible

Even as you may have set roles, be adaptable because things will change (especially for us while Elle is so young).  

• 100% is in the eye of the beholder

Realize that your co-parenting partner is probably trying to give their 100% and try to objectively view everything that the partner contributes (outside of work) to the entire household (e.g., booking trips or fixing the car) and then figure out if the additional baby expectations are reasonable.   Also, in line with the first point above, communicate how the partner can do a better job of contributing 100% to the family unit.

• Try "nonchalance" on for size

Let your partner "deal" with the issues.   Like:

• Try to zone out the crying as your co-parenting partner deals with the situation.  Your partner needs to learn how to calm your child and can't if you always swoop in.
• Letting your partner pick up the slack when you need to do something-- so just hand the child to the partner and say, I have to take a shower or I need to go on a run.
• Have your partner take the child out alone so they can understand why you always bring snacks or always check to see if the diapers are stocked in the diaper bag.   (This one might be controversial because you might have a very unhappy baby with a poopy diaper but the baby will survive and your partner will hopefully remember to check for diapers next time..).   

•  Leave the premises

Leaving the house and doing your computer work, exercising, serving, socializing, seeing a movie etc. means that you don't have to see you co-parent doing it the "wrong" way.  As long as you trust your co-parent to keep your child safe and happy in the grand scheme of things, then just take some hours completely to yourself (where you can't hear any crying). 

Elle in a pop-up tent at the restaurant..

• Outsource if possible

Hiring someone to do extra childcare or clean if your family can afford it.  There is no use in being a martyr and cleaning the toilet if you can easily get someone else to do it for you.  And although it won't entirely remove the strain, it can remove some pressure points.