B.A.B.E. Week 28: Daddy's blog about being apart

Elle dancing with Grandma

 Turning over B.A.B.E to my dear husband while I visit his folks in Vegas and Wilson is in Haiti. This week was an exciting one – Wilson working in Haiti; me running the Vegas rock and roll half marathon and hanging out with friends from San Francisco and Duke; and Elle loving being with her grandparents and making some real developmental strides (waving and clapping).  

Turning this week's "B.A.B.E." over to Wilson…

When Mu and Elle left, it was kind of rough.  I woke up early on a holiday (Veterans Day) to take my family and our visiting friends from CO to the airport.  Waking up on a holiday is easy enough, the tough part was taking the girls to the airport and knowing it would be nearly two weeks until I kiss my lovely wife and hold precious Elle.  That was a tough drive to the airport.  

At the airport

The separation has made me think about being apart.  When Elle was born, I spent weeks 5 and 6 of her life back home in Nassau working.  That was tough too.  But this stretch (of which we are about half way through) has been much tougher - mostly because Elle is waking up to the world and is such a joy.  Her smiles light up any room she is in, especially for her dad.  She is sitting up and playing so happily, coos like crazy and delights in the world (even when we take her all over the place to other Bahamian islands, deals with the heat and stays out late).  She has also just started clapping her hands together and waving.  The waving is mostly backwards and who knows what she means by it but it is still pretty adorable...

Today I had a nice long facetime session with Mu and elle, and her development really came to the fore.  Something about being apart reinforced the great strides she is making.  She was sitting up for long stretches, not doing the teetering that is her MO but rather just checking things out or grabbing whatever grabbed her fancy.  Other times, she was admiring her own hand - which my wife has said is important for babies.  Other times she was using multiple modes of self-transport (the roll and the wiggle) to get to either my smiling face on the phone (My favorite move) or some of her sweet toys in Vegas.  She is so much better at acting on her impulses or preference than even a few weeks ago, and her tool box is just getting bigger. 

Back to our separation -- the week before Elle and Mu left, I found myself drifting to the impending time apart when I was holding Elle, thinking about her being thousands of miles away.  Sometimes, when I was feeling benevolent, I would smile at the thought of my folks holding her, or her grandfather on Mu's side playing with his granddaughter for the first time.  Or Elle playing with her 10 month old cousin - they are going to be so cute together!

Last week I also would drift to missing out on her subtle developments.  It feels like a part of my own body has been lopped off painlessly and is gone for a couple of weeks.  I don't feel pain, but i feel the absence.  For me, when she is so young, she feels like such an extension of my own body.  For instance, I will often be playing with elle, say with her favorite rattle or stuffed animal, and part of my brain somehow feels like I am the one playing with her toy.  It is a new phenomena for me, a blurring of individuality that I did not anticipate in fatherhood.  I imagine that as she grows up over the coming years and asserts many, many orders of magnitude more individuality, some of that co-mingling sensation will dissipate.  But it is also sobering to know that Elle will forever hold a part of me as she goes through her own life journey.  

Hiking at Red Rocks

Before we had Elle, I would have a standard progression when Mu was traveling and I stayed home.  For a few days before she left, I would be excited about having some alone time.  A chance to do whatever hell I wanted, whenever I wanted.  Then she would take off, and I would try and fit a ton of stuff into that first day.  My typical personality of doing too much. 

The first day would go great, but then I would stay up way too late that first night watching sports.  Sleep would be rough, and in the morning reality would set in that I vastly prefer my life when my better half is around.  It happened pretty much every time, I would over estimate the fun to be had home alone and underestimate missing Mu.  

Pre half-marathon

And now that we are a family of three, I skipped the entire facade of looking forward to being solo for a bit.  Now it just feels lonely, I miss those wonderful girls and it will still be a week before they come back home.  They are having a great time, and I have some cool stuff going on with my current trip to Haiti and a great friend coming down from NC. But, like a lot of things post-Elle, my perception has changed and these exciting times would be better together.  

Post half-marathon